Filling Out The Blanks

     IT SEEMS AS IF WE HAVE LOST somewhere along the way our natural ability of keeping alive that desire, that passion that allow us to be true to ourselves and to be proud of who we are; and I mean, who we really are.  Unfortunately, is a pity that the older we are, the stupidest we get; and unfortunately, the more we rely on choosing from the overhead menu that life –as we know it–  has prepared for us, the furthest we push away our true nature.  Have you ever wondered; what ever happened to instinct and creativity?  Where have we left that instinct that ignored the easily available options but made us find the best solutions?  Sometimes, the best decisions are those that we dare making ignoring the choices that are conveniently laid out in front of us,  same choices that are often labeled either as the appropriate or favorable ones; and in occasions, even as the only ones at all.  What can I say?, it feels like everything has turned so arranged, so simplistic and so available, that for some reason we keep allowing ourselves to be indulge and fascinated by the vulgarity of it.  We no longer think or even challenge any attainable alternative; did we just quit giving too much thought or consideration on who we are, what we really want and what are we made off before jumping on any given bridge?

     Everything in life -and I mean everything- has turned into a celebrated and glorified contest where there is always, for every problem and every feeling, for every question and even for every query, (which are not the same thing) an arrangement of predisposed and accepted answers or actions.  For some reason we have been forced to believe that there are only two possible ways for a coin to land after been tossed:  Head or tails.  Isn’t it possible for a coin to land on its edge? If you study the Bernoulli process, you will find that it’s even feasible for a coin, after being tossed, to be taken away by a large bird; and mathematically speaking, my friends, the belief that there are only two possible outcomes for a coin flip or most things in life, is a complete travesty.

     Let’s be honest to ourselves, we no longer make decisions, there are made for us and we like it that way, the easy way. The options are all there, sometimes even numbered and we simply chose “from the above”, filling out the blanks and voila. We just pick, like I said, from an overhead menu.  We crave so much to be accepted, to be correct, to please everyone and at the same time, to serve as an example; that we have forgotten that we are just passing through.  There is no ONE chance to make it right or wrong, so don’t flatter yourself if you get lucky from time to time.  Understand that you only have one attempt, only one, to make it right at being yourself. And, if you fail at that, what was the purpose of it all?

     Drive this way, eat that way, wear this, wait, wear that instead, that is not romantic, that’s way too much, that’s too loud, that dress make your ass look fat, you can do better than that, you are poor, you are rich, be careful, don’t get pregnant, don’t get pregnant again, you are the best, you are the worst, you are hired, you are fired, marry, divorce, remarry, that man is not good enough for you, he’s handsome, she’s too crazy, believe in God, but if he is not good enough, become a Muslim.  Right wing, left wing, happy medium, happy ending, turn right, turn left, sideways, you are fat, you are thin, you are smart, you are an idiot, options, decisions, right, wrong, let me think…  Pay the bills, take a shower, drink water, drink milk, organic, satanic, two glasses of wine a day are good for you, one beer a day is also good for you, two ounces of hard liquor, wait, am I fucking drunk?, let me think…  Perhaps I should get back to my senses…

"This is fucking madness!"

     Why do we have to choose from life’s overhead menu?  Is it that we can no longer say No thanks?  And, when everybody seems to have an opinion, a view or recommendation, when the world has turned into a place where everything has a certain order, a classification, a method, a name, a sequence, a plan, procedures, a manager, two managers and a president; How do we live?  Can we just send them to hell and do things our way instead?

     For as long as I can remember, it has always been quite hard for me to become, as they refer to, a familiar face on the usual crowd. But wait; don’t get me wrong, I am no anarchist and surely not an anti-social.  I am just a man who really got tired of pleasing everyone.  I am that guy who wants to do things his way from time to time. 

"Is that too much to ask? "



    A few nights ago I had a revelation.  Actually, I had two.  After a long warm day I found myself in the mood for something sweet, so I went out for a walk and gave chance a second chance to surprise me once again.  And, what happened then, I must admit, opened my eyes.  I saw a sign.  Not exactly the kind of sign that brings you a long awaited message, but the kind that serves Ice cream and also learning experiences.  What moved me to give it a try and to go inside that Ice Cream Parlor was not their fancy neon sign, (which I must confess was very inviting) but what I saw once I looked inside through the glass.  Happy faces, long line and yet another sign that read: 

We make it your way! Guaranteed

     There I was, happy and in line.  At first, everybody looked at me strange and I wasn’t sure why. Maybe because I almost break the entrance door while I pushed it ignoring the gigantic PULL  sign;  perhaps because I refused to get a number or because they actually noticed when I tried to jump in line more than once.  When it was my turn to order, I went cold.  I noticed that underneath their gigantic “We make it your way” sign at the far wall, they had some sort of menu.  A menu so gigantic, so full of options and bright colors, glutted with photos and countless ice cream combinations, together with a biblical list of toppings next to their “childish-customer- friendly-names”  that they had for each one of them, that I couldn’t help but to go mute in complete amusement.  A young woman stretched her smile way more than what she should have braking the brief silence between us, asking for a second time:

"Can I take your order please?"

"Yes you may. I would like coconut ice cream with French fries please", I replied.

     I was honestly in the mood for coconut ice cream with French fries; but if I even attempt to write here what actually took place there, I’ll have enough material for a science fiction novel. She called her supervisor, who then called the assistant manager, who eventually referred me to the manager, who immediately called the general manager, who courteously took the unnecessary time to explain the “seriousness” of their business and with a yellow smile and an ink stained shirt, finally asked me to leave.

What exactly happened there? Have I already surrendered and accepted an inevitable fate?

     I did what I thought to be the right thing to do.  I left. I left on a mission. I walked out and immediately started looking for any place where I could find French fries. And so I did.  Several minutes later, once again, I almost break the Ice Cream Parlor’s front door. Like the first time, I went in front of the line and asked for a coconut ice cream with French fries. Luckily, the funny looking general manager was not around, and again, the green eyed young woman with the overworked smile took my order. She took my French fries, smiled in complicity, and while she whispered that the best thing to do was to leave, I swear we had a moment just before I abandoned my desired topping in top of the shelf.  I knew it was useless to argue any longer their business slogan and I left, in relative peace. That was revelation number one.  

     That night I walked.  I walked for many hours, thinking about everything I have previously tried to explain here.  I thought about options and decisions, about chance and even about the beautifully described idea of destiny.  That night I walked.  On my way back home, it was inevitable not to pass nearby the Ice Cream Parlor where I had been a few hours before. That’s where revelation number two surprised me, completely unanticipated.

     While waiting for the signal light to cross the street, it was effortless for me to get annoyed; so I didn’t wait and crossed anyway. Once my right shoe touched the sidewalk at the other side, for some reason I looked back to find a few faces looking back at me in complete disapproval.  My immediate reflex was to share my commonly used “sad puppy face” followed by an evil smile; but there was something else.  There, in that crowd, I found a familiar face.  There she was; the green eyed girl who earlier tried to take my order at the Ice Cream Parlor was also waiting to cross the street.  She was also the only one smiling and the only one carrying an ice cream in one hand and French fries in the other.  From different sides, divided only by fast passing cars and a never changing signal light, we tried to lock our eyes once again but this time my phone rang. It was my mother, so I just couldn’t ignore it.

"When will you get marry, give me grandkids and stop breaking hearts? When will you stop living like a teenager, fall in love and finally commit?"

     That was the only thing I allowed myself to hear from my mother before I lowered my phone. Stupefied, I started crossing the street once again with a red signal but it rapidly changed. Submerged in an ocean of people who were crossing the street I saw her immobile at the other side; looking back at me, looking down at her ice cream, to her French fries and then back at me.   My mother’s words were still sounding loud in the back of my head a moment before I hanged off and reached the other side.  At that corner, in front of her green eyes, I had my second revelation.  Later, walking side by side towards nowhere and simultaneously to a common flavor, I couldn’t stop thinking:

...decisions, decisions, decisions.

     It only took me a moment and a breather to shake it off my head.  

     I guess that my mother was right.

     Once again I found myself in front of an overhead menu, and this time, it only showed two options.  

"What can I say?"

Old habits die hard… 

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